Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Breakups Suck

It doesn't matter how unhappy or happy you are in a relationship or how maybe it's a good thing or not, Breakups Suck. There's no two ways about it. It sucks. Point Blank

I am not the most experienced individual when it comes to relationships. In my life I've had two serious relationships. My first one left me extremely broken. It devastated me to the point that I didn't even try to put myself back out there for over ten years. It fueled my writing career though and led me down the path I am on now. So I wouldn't trade it for the world. And of course, looking at it now, I'm glad it's over and we didn't continue. The guy was a bit of a douche.  

My recent relationship... It ended in a way that gave me whiplash. I don't even know what happened. I do know the events that led up to it this past Monday were not the real cause. There was an underlying factor here. 

I know I have not been happy for a while. Everything changed in December last year for me because of the way I was treated over what I had given him for Christmas. He hated it all. I'd never been treated in such a disrespectful way in my entire life. The emotions I was feeling for him began to fade because of it. I didn't find myself investing as much of myself in the relationship. The most likely outcome is he sensed it as time went on. 

Fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else, and a number of other things kept me with him. But how do you know when it's right and when it's not right? Everyone says you'll just know. But what the hell does that mean? Is there just a big truck that's going to hit you when it's right?  How do you know what's going to happen afterward? There are no certainties in life. And I can't help but fear that the whole breakup was a mistake. 

On the other hand, I know it wasn't the right relationship for me. We truly had almost nothing in common. He liked things I didn't care for, like window shopping, going to Disney regularly, walking just to walk, movies that I found dumb, and so many other differences. He never understood my love of animals. I never understood how he couldn't see what he did with the animals as fear tactics rather than good training. 

This Sunday just before we broke up I had to do something that broke my heart because one of my feral colony cats was really sick and I had to make the decision to put her to sleep. I was devastated, but I never once felt like I could call him and ask him to come be with me because he didn't understand and because I knew he was upset and being moody. To him the cat was just a "wild animal", but to me she was more. He only saw the money it took to get her treatment. I don't care about money. It's not fair to leave her suffering because it cost money to help her. 

He spent so much time looking at my care for my animals as making them more important than him that I think he built it up inside his head to be more than it was. Or maybe his past with his father and how much of a bad person his father was made that more of an issue for him and he couldn't see past it. I don't know. But in something he told me recently about his father it makes me think that maybe that's why. He may never admit it, may never realize it, but I believe it's an underlying factor.

Nothing truer than this... (
https://weheartit.com/entry/115664042)
While all of the issues I feel in my heart combined are a really good reason for the break up to stick and not be together, it still hurts. It still has me ready to cry at the drop of a hat. And I can't understand why. I wasn't happy. He wasn't happy. It still doesn't make it better just knowing that. But he was such a large part of my life for so long... how do I go back to it just being me? How do I not send him a text when something funny happens? Or just to say good morning or good night? I already miss that. 

And most people know every time that it happens, insecurities from the previous break ups come back to haunt you. Was I not good enough? What did I do to make it fail? Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I simply not loveable? What if no one can ever look past my flaws to the real me and love me anyway? They're ugly thoughts. They're ugly insecurities. Yet many people have felt that way. Everyone tells me "it's good he's gone", "he wasn't right for you", "it's his fault not yours", but those people didn't live it. 

How can they possibly know that? Especially when I don't know that. Was it his fault? Was it mine? Did I not try hard enough? Were his good qualities unable to overcome the bad ones? I know he cared about me. He did a lot of things for me during our relationship. Yet it wasn't enough to outweigh the way he made me feel in my heart that we weren't soulmates. I couldn't get past his constant need to be right, his constant need to argue the "devils advocate point" on everything, or the way I never felt like his girlfriend because the usual things weren't there. We didn't date. I always ended up paying for myself. While I don't think a man should always have to pay, I do think there should be some old school chivalry in there sometimes. He always made it a point to make sure I paid him back if he paid for me during a time when I didn't have cash and the bill was combined. Yet I never did that to him in all the times I paid for food to be delivered to the house for dinner or the time I paid for tickets to a broadway musical. I never asked him for the money because that's not who I am. Maybe it makes me naive or easy to take advantage of, but I think in a relationship its a give and take. I treat, you treat, etc. 
This says it all....   (https://weheartit.com/entry/48765935)





There were just so many mountains we couldn't quite climb, we eventually hit rock bottom. 

I know I don't usually post personal things, but I just needed to put that out there, to show others it's not sunshine and rainbows for everyone, that fairy tale romances take work, and Prince Charming or Princess Charming doesn't just find you and wake you up with a kiss. And to say... Breakups Suck. No matter what the situation is at the end. 

I found a site that does have some decent advice and makes some good points:

Maybe some of this will make it easier in the quiet moments. Those are the hardest. Being alone, being without distractions, it's the hardest times of the day. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Week 1 Almost Over! Progression in a Good Way!




Tomorrow will be one week since I started back on my journey toward a healthier me. I'm very proud of myself. I worked out Wednesday through Saturday and then picked it up again Monday. I also kept to my diet, no cheat day. AND, I know it's only water weight to begin with, but I lost 4.8lbs already!!! So excited! :) 

On the weekend, I always go out to lunch with my parents, but I never choose the lighter/fitter options. I will be making healthier choices at restaurants moving forward. Already started this past weekend by choosing chicken with veggies and rice instead of a hamburger with fries or some such thing. I felt much better about myself for doing that too. My intention is to also cut out red meat, but I have to clear out the few items I still have in my freezer. After that, no red meat. I bought an instant pot this past weekend. Been wanting one of those forever it seems. I have steak chunks, organic, ready to cook tonight!

After three days of working out and eating right I already feel so much better. I don't wake up feeling gross, I don't feel bloated, and my mental state is different as well. I'm happier, less angry at the world, and just overall feeling good. This is why I started it. To feel better. To enjoy life rather than hating it because I'm miserable. 

There's also a new Facebook Group I started with a friend called Fit Force. It's a secret group on FB for now, but we intend on opening it up to those with an open mind looking to join. The group is for support, suggestions, tips, recipes, and sharing our ups and downs on our healthier us movement. Interested in joining?  --->  Fit Force  

Have a wonderful Tuesday! *kisses*

~J.R.~



Friday, June 8, 2018

Day 3 - Doing it for Myself & No One Else

Good Morning, all! Day 3 of my determination to get healthy. I wanted to slip last night, but I forced myself to grab Skinny Pop mini popcorn cakes instead of grabbing something unhealthy and fattening. I can already sense a difference and I've only been doing it for two days. I don't feel anywhere near as bloated as I did before. 

I receive an email newsletter every day from SparkPeople. They have blog posts, recipes, etc. for people who want to be healthy. I found one of the blog posts to be rather inspiring. It touched a chord with me because like most people, I'm afraid to try new things and fail or try them and look dumb. But the blogger is very correct in her statement:

"Remember that everyone isn't watching you the way you think they are. Part of my fear with yoga class was that everyone would be judging me. In reality, no one was paying an ounce of attention to what I was doing. They were there for themselves, just as I was. Do you feel self-conscious when you go to the grocery store and you're stumbling over the labels in the natural foods section? No one is analyzing what goes into your grocery cart. Are you worried your dinner companions will be judging the healthy meal you order at a restaurant? Chances are they're focused only on great conversation and good company. Be confident in your choices because you're doing it for you and no one else."

Original Post Here

She hit a spot with me because I do think about that stuff. I do think people are watching what I'm putting in my cart at the store. I do think that people are watching me eat at a restaurant and thinking about how fat I am. But in reality, most people don't even care that I am there or what I'm doing. I have to remind myself to be confident and to move forward because this is about me, not anyone else.

Unfortunately, I did not make any step toward my writing, and all excuses aside, it was more my lack of energy than anything else. I know the determination to be healthier will impact my writing in a good way. I'll have more energy and be more mentally awake. My journey toward a better me will be a positive in both directions.

Wish me luck to remain strong through Day 3. The popular idea is that after 21 days you're good! Well, I am 2 days and a handful of hours into those 21 days. And I CAN DO THIS!!



~J.R.~

Thursday, June 7, 2018

How Day 1 Went & Day 2 is going... :)





Good Morning, everyone! Hope Thursday is treating you well!  

Day 1 went well for my lifestyle change. Good news, I kept to under my calorie goal and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Bad news, I ended up with a bad headache after the work out because of the strain on my shoulders, even just holding the bars didn’t seem to stop that from happening. It made it very challenging to stick to the right foods. Chewing crunchy things like animal crackers seems to help some times, but those are added calories. And it kept me from holding true to working on my WIPs for the hour I scheduled.

I woke up and still intend on hitting up the gym, but the headache brewing at the moment may keep that from being a reality. I’m going to push myself to go anyway, but maybe cut down on the time or go as long as I can. I have to try and work out my shoulders to strengthen the muscles there as those are what causes the majority of my migraines. Tension.  

I’m using MyFitnessPal.com to track my calories and exercise, so if you are on there and want to friend me, my username is jrloveless. The more friends, the merrier, and the more support we can provide each other. I’ve been using MFP for years and it’s a great tool with a lot of resources and a lot of support in the forums. If you haven’t, you should check it out.

Anyway, back to work and back to pushing myself to go a step further today!


“Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” – Robert Collier



~J.R. ~

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

I woke up this morning...



Me right now. 
I have been trying to update at least once a week with relevant information to my writing or the author community. Unfortunately, I got sick a couple weeks back and missed that week and then the next week I went on vacation to MegaCon Orlando and didn't have a chance to write anything. But, here I am. Tired as all get out though as my sleeping pattern hasn't been the best.

I've always been a yo-yo dieter. Jump on the diet, fall off the diet. Mostly due to migraines, but also due to my lack of discipline with myself. I started gaining weight when I was 11 years old and haven't stopped. I hit my heaviest weight ever about five years ago. I've since lost over 66lbs and then gained back 25lbs.

But this morning, I woke up and I felt awful. My lower back hurt, it was rough getting out of bed, and it was hard to catch my breath doing basic things. I knew it was time to stop letting my migraines and my lack of discipline define how I took care of myself. I lost over 50lbs in six months two years ago and managed to keep that off until the last eight months when I just stopped caring about what I ate again and stopped being active.

A friend of mine gave me a motivation calendar for my desk at work for getting fit. Some of the phrases and quotes are quite inspirational. I think the best is: "Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST." There is never a truer set of words and they could be applied to many aspects of your life. Including Writing.

My writing hasn't been kept up on either and I need to rectify that. Truly rectify it and not just talk about it. The same for getting myself healthier. I need to make better choices everywhere in my life and I need to stop making excuses. No one is going to do it for me. It's not going to just magically happen. I have to want it and I mean truly want it. There can be no more, "I have a headache so that makes it okay," but it really doesn't.

My first act today was to eat right for breakfast and to start drinking more water. I'm on 7 glasses for the day already. I also brought my gym bag to work and I am going to go walk on the treadmill for as long as I can. I know I felt so much better physically when I was working out and I slept better, too. I went to the gym four to six times a week, depending on my schedule. I know I can do that again. It's an hour a day. One hour. And the same needs to apply to my writing. One hour... it's not a lot to give! There's 24 in a day!!

Nothing is accomplished in life without determination, grit, and desire. I have all three when I truly want something and I want this. I don't want to let another year slip by without having something for my readers. I don't want to continue to wake up every morning exhausted because I couldn't sleep well or my back is screaming. I don't want to go through the day and avoid the stairs because it leaves me out of breath just because I'm so out of shape. I need to do this! I CAN and I WILL do this!




~J.R.~

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

OutCon 2018

Happy Hump Day, everyone! 😄 I know why they call it hump day, but does anyone take it literally and have sex all day?

Okay, enough of the corny jokes. That was bad I know.

In an effort to get myself back out there again, This August, I will be attending OutCon at the Miami Airport Convention Center to promote my books, enjoy the con and share in the love of all things queerful and geeky. I will have some of my books for sale as well as promotional stuff for free for anyone who would like them! I'll have pens, some handmade scrabble tile pendants and earrings, and more! So make sure to stop by and see me at OutCon August 4th! #outconic

Check out the site for more info: http://www.outconvention.com/
They're going to have costume contests, lip syncing battles, and more during their events. Their Cosplay guests will feature Daniella DeNicola, Jean WanWan, and more!

I will also be selling little trinkets that I have handmade myself! Nothing super amazing, but cute, for sure!

So please stop by and support your local convention, keep OutCon going, and show some love to the other artists who will be there! It doesn't cost much either. $15 at the door and $10 online advance purchase. Not bad, right?

~J.R.~


Friday, May 11, 2018

Jamila Jasper's Book is Back Up on Amazon

I do not own the rights to this cover.
For those of you who are aware of CockyGate (and I think that's probably everyone by now), then you should be abreast of the situation Jamila Jasper faced with Faleena Hopkins. Jamila's book was taken down by Amazon due to this farce of a trademark granted by the PTO on the use of a SINGLE word. One which has been around for many, many years.

Well, Jamila has hit the ground running by changing her title and cover and has now republished it as "The Cockiest Cowboy to Have Ever Cocked". LOL. I love the title, Ms. Jasper! Already one clicked bought it. I suggest to those who are following CockyGate do so as well to support her after the stress and crap she went through. Show Faleena Hopkins just how much she stabbed, shot, and hung her own author career.

The link to buy: The Cockiest Cowboy to Have Ever Cocked

And Ms. Jasper has kindly put it on sale for $2.99 for a limited time! So don't miss out on your chance to own the book that, according to one of the many excuses Faleena has given, started it all!

Directly from Amazon:

"What do you do when you're a hack author who had never come up with an original idea?! You adapt. C*cky Cowboy has been revived as THE COCKIEST COWBOY TO HAVE EVER COCKED. The story remains unchanged. 2.99 price for limited time only! 

This should have been easy.

Hide out from my ex in Omaha while helping an old woman on her ranch.

One problem…

Her son Kurt O’Connor.

I should have known better than to get involved.

He’s tall, a pillar of muscle, icy blue eyes… and cocky as h*ll! 

He doesn’t just want my body. 

He wants all of me. 

I must resist.

This is a naughtier than ever cowboy alpha-male interracial romance. These pages are dripping with no-holds-barred lust to keep you reading ’til the end. This is a full-length novel with 50,000+ words of sizzling sexiness, no cheating, and a guaranteed HEA."



So head over and pick up your copy today. :) 

~J.R. ~