Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Breakups Suck

It doesn't matter how unhappy or happy you are in a relationship or how maybe it's a good thing or not, Breakups Suck. There's no two ways about it. It sucks. Point Blank

I am not the most experienced individual when it comes to relationships. In my life I've had two serious relationships. My first one left me extremely broken. It devastated me to the point that I didn't even try to put myself back out there for over ten years. It fueled my writing career though and led me down the path I am on now. So I wouldn't trade it for the world. And of course, looking at it now, I'm glad it's over and we didn't continue. The guy was a bit of a douche.  

My recent relationship... It ended in a way that gave me whiplash. I don't even know what happened. I do know the events that led up to it this past Monday were not the real cause. There was an underlying factor here. 

I know I have not been happy for a while. Everything changed in December last year for me because of the way I was treated over what I had given him for Christmas. He hated it all. I'd never been treated in such a disrespectful way in my entire life. The emotions I was feeling for him began to fade because of it. I didn't find myself investing as much of myself in the relationship. The most likely outcome is he sensed it as time went on. 

Fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else, and a number of other things kept me with him. But how do you know when it's right and when it's not right? Everyone says you'll just know. But what the hell does that mean? Is there just a big truck that's going to hit you when it's right?  How do you know what's going to happen afterward? There are no certainties in life. And I can't help but fear that the whole breakup was a mistake. 

On the other hand, I know it wasn't the right relationship for me. We truly had almost nothing in common. He liked things I didn't care for, like window shopping, going to Disney regularly, walking just to walk, movies that I found dumb, and so many other differences. He never understood my love of animals. I never understood how he couldn't see what he did with the animals as fear tactics rather than good training. 

This Sunday just before we broke up I had to do something that broke my heart because one of my feral colony cats was really sick and I had to make the decision to put her to sleep. I was devastated, but I never once felt like I could call him and ask him to come be with me because he didn't understand and because I knew he was upset and being moody. To him the cat was just a "wild animal", but to me she was more. He only saw the money it took to get her treatment. I don't care about money. It's not fair to leave her suffering because it cost money to help her. 

He spent so much time looking at my care for my animals as making them more important than him that I think he built it up inside his head to be more than it was. Or maybe his past with his father and how much of a bad person his father was made that more of an issue for him and he couldn't see past it. I don't know. But in something he told me recently about his father it makes me think that maybe that's why. He may never admit it, may never realize it, but I believe it's an underlying factor.

Nothing truer than this... (
While all of the issues I feel in my heart combined are a really good reason for the break up to stick and not be together, it still hurts. It still has me ready to cry at the drop of a hat. And I can't understand why. I wasn't happy. He wasn't happy. It still doesn't make it better just knowing that. But he was such a large part of my life for so long... how do I go back to it just being me? How do I not send him a text when something funny happens? Or just to say good morning or good night? I already miss that. 

And most people know every time that it happens, insecurities from the previous break ups come back to haunt you. Was I not good enough? What did I do to make it fail? Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I simply not loveable? What if no one can ever look past my flaws to the real me and love me anyway? They're ugly thoughts. They're ugly insecurities. Yet many people have felt that way. Everyone tells me "it's good he's gone", "he wasn't right for you", "it's his fault not yours", but those people didn't live it. 

How can they possibly know that? Especially when I don't know that. Was it his fault? Was it mine? Did I not try hard enough? Were his good qualities unable to overcome the bad ones? I know he cared about me. He did a lot of things for me during our relationship. Yet it wasn't enough to outweigh the way he made me feel in my heart that we weren't soulmates. I couldn't get past his constant need to be right, his constant need to argue the "devils advocate point" on everything, or the way I never felt like his girlfriend because the usual things weren't there. We didn't date. I always ended up paying for myself. While I don't think a man should always have to pay, I do think there should be some old school chivalry in there sometimes. He always made it a point to make sure I paid him back if he paid for me during a time when I didn't have cash and the bill was combined. Yet I never did that to him in all the times I paid for food to be delivered to the house for dinner or the time I paid for tickets to a broadway musical. I never asked him for the money because that's not who I am. Maybe it makes me naive or easy to take advantage of, but I think in a relationship its a give and take. I treat, you treat, etc. 
This says it all....   (

There were just so many mountains we couldn't quite climb, we eventually hit rock bottom. 

I know I don't usually post personal things, but I just needed to put that out there, to show others it's not sunshine and rainbows for everyone, that fairy tale romances take work, and Prince Charming or Princess Charming doesn't just find you and wake you up with a kiss. And to say... Breakups Suck. No matter what the situation is at the end. 

I found a site that does have some decent advice and makes some good points:

Maybe some of this will make it easier in the quiet moments. Those are the hardest. Being alone, being without distractions, it's the hardest times of the day.